New priest

Judica Me Deus

Judica Me Deus (Photo credit: porziuncola)

A new priest was so nervous at his first Mass that he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.”

So the next Sunday, he took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

To Our New Curate – A Few Tips.

  • Sip the vodka, don’t gulp it.
  • There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  • There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  • Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  • Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
  • We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.
  • The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
  • David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
  • When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
  • We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”.
  • When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”
  • The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
  • The recommended grace before a meal is not, “Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God.”
  • Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy’s.
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