Inside knowledge for blokes

This setup raised some eyebrows of walkers on ...

This setup raised some eyebrows of walkers on the canal! Worth it though I think. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The 13 most innocuous, common words, phrases and sounds, and what they really mean when a woman says them. 

  1. Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about, but need to shut you up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those very arguments.
  2. Five minutes: This is, in fact, half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.
  3. Nothing: This actually means “something” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has when she doesn’t expect that you even want to understand. It is not worth even beginning to tell you what is wrong. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end up with the word “Fine”.
  4. Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing”, and will end with the word “Fine”.
  5. Go Ahead (with normal eyebrows): This means “I give up” or “You do what you want, because I don’t care”. You will get a raised eyebrows “go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and a “Fine”, and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
  6. Loud Sigh: Not actually a word, but still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.
  7. Soft Sigh: Another verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move, or breathe, or do anything to flag your existence, and she will stay content.
  8. Oh: This word, followed by any given statement, means trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
  9. Oh (upward exclamation, beginning of a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie any more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows “Go Ahead”, and then you are really in the fertilizer.
  10. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard about whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrows “Go Ahead”. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in big trouble.
  11. Please Do: This is an offer, not a statement. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.
  12. Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say “My Pleasure” or “You’re Welcome”.
  13. Thanks A Lot: This is vastly different from “Thanks”. A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot,” when she is really having a go at you, especially with a heavy emphasis on the word “lot”. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. You can bet on it – it will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”.
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