Santa Knows

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.

Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact. Continue reading

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The Suspected Wharfie

There was a certain wharfie on the Melbourne waterfront who was suspected of stealing. Each day he left the wharf where he worked, pushing a wheelbarrow filled with straw. So a police detective was detailed to watch him. The detective searched among the straw but found nothing; and yet he was satisfied in his own mind that the wharf labourer was engaged in pilfering of some sort. This went on, day after day, for two weeks.

Late one afternoon the wharf labourer dropped in at the Seamen’s Arms for a beer. The detective who had been detailed to watch him joined him at the bar counter and said, “Look here, I’m being posted to Bendigo, so you can talk freely. I promise not to tell anyone. I’m just curious. What are you stealing?”

“Well,” said the wharfie, “under the circumstances I don’t suppose there’s any harm in telling you. It’s wheelbarrows.”

— Bill Wannan’s Come in Spinner: A Treasury of Popular Australian Humour

Diggers of Two Wars

On a footpath in Tel Aviv one day in October, 1942, an old English colonel and a young American major were discussing the war situation in general when they were approached by four youthful Aussie soldiers who had been imbibing rather too freely.

When they came up to the officers the Aussies divided into pairs, passed them, and went merrily on their way.

The following dialogue then took place between the two officers:

American Major: Who in blazes is that Gard-darn rabble?
English Colonel: They’re Orstralians, Major, Orstralians.
A.M.: And whose side are they on?
E.C.: Ours, Major. They’re our Allies.
A.M.: But, dammit, sir, they didn’t salute us!
E.C.: Admittedly, Major, but after all you must agree, they did have the decency to walk around us. Had they been their fathers of the ‘14-’18 war, the blighters would have walked right over us.

— Mr. Jack Holmes of Firle (SA) in Bill Wannan’s Come in Spinner: A Treasury of Popular Australian Humour

Arrack and Sympathy

During the second world war two Aussie soldiers were in Damascus on leave from a camp nearby. During their perambulations around the city they sampled quite a number of noggins of the local bre, arrack, and eventually they became hopelessly lost.

The locals couldn’t understand English and were unable to direct them. Then a British general replete with ribbons and all, loomed up.

“Hey, mate,” one of the Aussies addressed him, “can you tell us where we are?”

The general drew himself up haughtily. “Do you know who I am?” he said curtly.

“Cripes, Bill,” said one Digger to the other, “here’s a bloke who’s worse off than we are. We don’t know where we are, but this poor blighter doesn’t know who he is!”

— Mr F. J. Vandenburg of Wycliffe Well (N.T.) in Bill Wannan’s Come In Spinner

Where there’s a will…

The Australian platoon was under heavy Japanese frontal attack. The commander yelled out, “Fire at will!”

“Cripes,” growled Chiller, “if you can pick Will outta that mob, you’re a better man than I am !”

— Bill Wannan in Come in Spinner

Of course

The first grade was learning the letters of the alphabet.
‘What comes after T?’ the teacher asked.
Nettie quickly answered, ‘V’.

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Hell vs gaol

Jacky Bindieye was arrested and charged with cattle stealing.

At the trial the judge asked him what would happen if he told a lie.

“Well, boss,” said Jacky, “I think I go to hell.”

“And,” continued the judge, “what happens if you tell the truth?”

“Well, boss,” replied Jacky, “in that case I reckon I’ll go to gaol.”

— Bill Wannan’s Come in Spinner

Level-headed

How can you tell a level-headed Australian?

They dribble out both sides of their mouth.

— Allan & Barbara Pease in Why Men Lie and Women Cry

Well balanced

Why are Aussie’s so well-balanced?

They have a chip on both shoulders.

— Allan & Barbara Pease in Why Men Lie and Women Cry

Important question

The professor was delivering the last lecture of term. ‘The examination papers are in the hands of the printer,’ he concluded. ‘Now, are there any questions you would like answered?’
Silence prevailed for a moment. Then a voice piped up, ‘Who’s the printer?’

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Australia vs yoghurt

What’s the difference between Australia and yoghurt?

At least yoghurt has some culture!

— Allan & Barbara Pease in Why Men Lie and Women Cry

Great poet discovered

Professor: ‘Did you write this poem without any outside help?’
Student: ‘I did.’
Professor: ‘To think I would be lucky enough to have Lord Byron in my class!’

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Where the convicts come from

A dear old Australian lady, many years ago, won Tatts’ lottery. She was asked if she would take a trip to England.

“England!” she shuddered. “Certainly not! Why, that’s where the convicts come from!”

— Bill Wannan’s Come in Spinner

Subtraction

Tommy did not seem to understand subtraction, so the teacher tried to make it plain with the following example:

‘Now, suppose Billy had fifty pence,’ said the teacher.
‘Yes’m,’ said Tommy.
‘And you asked him for twenty-five.’
‘Yes’m.’
‘How much do you think Billy would have then?’
‘Fifty pence,’ said Tommy with a discouraged look

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V. Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

PMT

What’s the difference between a woman with PMT and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

— Allan & Barbara Pease in Why Men Lie and Women Cry

Not that kind

Man to friend: ‘What do you have if you have fifty rabbits all in a row and they all back up one step?’
Friend: ‘I don’t know. Tell me.’
Man: ‘A receding hare-line!’

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Coffee

When a company says, ‘Our coffee is good to the last drop,’ you wonder what is wrong with the last drop.

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Tart vs bitch

What’s the difference between a tart and a bitch?

A tart will sleep with anyone.
A bitch will sleep with anyone except you.

— Allan & Barbara Pease in Why Men Lie and Women Cry

Yes men

Why can’t some of these ‘yes’ men be bank officers?

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Don’t worry

An employee became ill and was rushed to the hospital. The next day his boss was among the first to visit him.

‘Now John,’ he pleaded, ‘don’t worry about a thing. Everyone at the office is going to pitch in and do your work – as soon as we’re able to work out just what it is you’ve been doing.’

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Cheque

A would-be customer wrote to a mail-order company as follows:
‘Please send me one of the engines you show on page 87. If it’s any good, I’ll send you a cheque.’
In time, he received this reply:
‘Please send cheque. If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine.’

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2