As an apology for not posting anything last Monday, I am giving you a second post today. This post is to promote a website I came across, called Christmas Day. They have loads of information about Xmas, decorations and celebrations around the world. Best of all, they have some pretty funny Xmas jokes.
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact. Continue reading →
There was a certain wharfie on the Melbourne waterfront who was suspected of stealing. Each day he left the wharf where he worked, pushing a wheelbarrow filled with straw. So a police detective was detailed to watch him. The detective searched among the straw but found nothing; and yet he was satisfied in his own mind that the wharf labourer was engaged in pilfering of some sort. This went on, day after day, for two weeks.
Late one afternoon the wharf labourer dropped in at the Seamen’s Arms for a beer. The detective who had been detailed to watch him joined him at the bar counter and said, “Look here, I’m being posted to Bendigo, so you can talk freely. I promise not to tell anyone. I’m just curious. What are you stealing?”
“Well,” said the wharfie, “under the circumstances I don’t suppose there’s any harm in telling you. It’s wheelbarrows.”
— Bill Wannan’s Come in Spinner: A Treasury of Popular Australian Humour
On a footpath in Tel Aviv one day in October, 1942, an old English colonel and a young American major were discussing the war situation in general when they were approached by four youthful Aussie soldiers who had been imbibing rather too freely.
When they came up to the officers the Aussies divided into pairs, passed them, and went merrily on their way.
The following dialogue then took place between the two officers:
American Major: Who in blazes is that Gard-darn rabble? English Colonel: They’re Orstralians, Major, Orstralians. A.M.: And whose side are they on? E.C.: Ours, Major. They’re our Allies. A.M.: But, dammit, sir, they didn’t salute us! E.C.: Admittedly, Major, but after all you must agree, they did have the decency to walk around us. Had they been their fathers of the ‘14-’18 war, the blighters would have walked right over us.
— Mr. Jack Holmes of Firle (SA) in Bill Wannan’s Come in Spinner: A Treasury of Popular Australian Humour
During the second world war two Aussie soldiers were in Damascus on leave from a camp nearby. During their perambulations around the city they sampled quite a number of noggins of the local brew, arrack, and eventually they became hopelessly lost.
The locals couldn’t understand English and were unable to direct them. Then a British general replete with ribbons and all, loomed up.
“Hey, mate,” one of the Aussies addressed him, “can you tell us where we are?”
The general drew himself up haughtily. “Do you know who I am?” he said curtly.
“Cripes, Bill,” said one Digger to the other, “here’s a bloke who’s worse off than we are. We don’t know where we are, but this poor blighter doesn’t know who he is!”
— Mr F. J. Vandenburg of Wycliffe Well (N.T.) in Bill Wannan’s Come In Spinner
There was a certain Australian sar’major during World War I who gave his commands in a most unorthodox manner. “Slope arms — you, too!” “Present arms — you, too!” “Forward march — you, too!” After the parade one day, a … Continue reading →
Jacky Bindieye was once brought before a magistrate, charged with being drunk and disorderly. “Fined twenty days with hard labour,” said the magistrate curtly. “I’ll tell you what I’ll do, boss,” said Jacky. “I’ll toss you — forty days or … Continue reading →
The professor was delivering the last lecture of term. ‘The examination papers are in the hands of the printer,’ he concluded. ‘Now, are there any questions you would like answered?’
Silence prevailed for a moment. Then a voice piped up, ‘Who’s the printer?’
— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2
Tommy did not seem to understand subtraction, so the teacher tried to make it plain with the following example:
‘Now, suppose Billy had fifty pence,’ said the teacher.
‘Yes’m,’ said Tommy.
‘And you asked him for twenty-five.’
‘How much do you think Billy would have then?’
‘Fifty pence,’ said Tommy with a discouraged look
— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V. Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2