Of course

The first grade was learning the letters of the alphabet.
‘What comes after T?’ the teacher asked.
Nettie quickly answered, ‘V’.

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

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Important question

The professor was delivering the last lecture of term. ‘The examination papers are in the hands of the printer,’ he concluded. ‘Now, are there any questions you would like answered?’
Silence prevailed for a moment. Then a voice piped up, ‘Who’s the printer?’

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Great poet discovered

Professor: ‘Did you write this poem without any outside help?’
Student: ‘I did.’
Professor: ‘To think I would be lucky enough to have Lord Byron in my class!’

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

So They Said

Said one eye to the other: ‘Just between us, there’s something that smells.’

Said one ear to the other: ‘Fancy meeting you on this block!’

Said the big rose to the little rose: ‘Hiya, bud.’

Said the ceiling to the wall: ‘Hold me up, I’m plastered.’

Said the dentist to the patient : ‘The Yanks are coming.’

Said one stocking to another: ‘So long, I gotta run.’

Said the salmon as he took the hook: ‘I’ll get canned for this.’

Said the cub to the north wind: ‘Don’t blow so hard, I’m a little bear.’

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Alphabet

‘Willie,’ the teacher asked the new pupil, ‘do you know your alphabet?’
‘Yes, miss,’ answered Willie.’
‘Well, then,’ continued the teacher, ‘what letter comes after A?’
‘All the rest of them.’

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Subtraction

Tommy did not seem to understand subtraction, so the teacher tried to make it plain with the following example:

‘Now, suppose Billy had fifty pence,’ said the teacher.
‘Yes’m,’ said Tommy.
‘And you asked him for twenty-five.’
‘Yes’m.’
‘How much do you think Billy would have then?’
‘Fifty pence,’ said Tommy with a discouraged look

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V. Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Howlers

Comic blunders by schoolchildren have been collected by H. Cecil Hunt and published under the title Henpicked Howlers. Some examples are given here:

An epistle is the wife of an apostle.
Chivalry is the attitude of a man to a strange woman.
Louix XVI was gelatined.
Catarrh is a musical instrument, especially in Spain.
Philosophy means being able to explain why you are happy when you are poor.
When letters are in sloping type, they are in hysterics.
The Tropic of Cancer is a rare and dangerous disease.
An antidote is a funny story you have heard before.
Doctors say that fatal diseases are the worst.
Ali Baba means being somewhere else when the crime was committed.
A symposium is something like a symphony, only not as bad.
Contralto is a low kind of music that is sung only by ladies.

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Not that kind

Man to friend: ‘What do you have if you have fifty rabbits all in a row and they all back up one step?’
Friend: ‘I don’t know. Tell me.’
Man: ‘A receding hare-line!’

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Coffee

When a company says, ‘Our coffee is good to the last drop,’ you wonder what is wrong with the last drop.

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Yes men

Why can’t some of these ‘yes’ men be bank officers?

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Art

Trying to understand modern art is like trying to follow the plot in a bowl of alphabet soup.

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Don’t worry

An employee became ill and was rushed to the hospital. The next day his boss was among the first to visit him.

‘Now John,’ he pleaded, ‘don’t worry about a thing. Everyone at the office is going to pitch in and do your work – as soon as we’re able to work out just what it is you’ve been doing.’

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Cheque

A would-be customer wrote to a mail-order company as follows:
‘Please send me one of the engines you show on page 87. If it’s any good, I’ll send you a cheque.’
In time, he received this reply:
‘Please send cheque. If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine.’

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Cheapskate

A man had to send an urgent telegram. Not wishing to spend more money than necessary, he filled out a telegraph blank in this manner:
‘Bruises hurt erased afford erected analysis hurt too infectious dead.’ (Ten words)
The recipient at the other end, being kin, immediately understood the message: ‘Bruce is hurt. He raced a Ford. He wrecked it, and Alice is hurt too. In fact she’s dead.’ (Nineteen words)

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Deductions

Man who mistakenly received a pay envelope without a cheque, to personnel department: “What happened? Did my deductions finally equal my salary?”

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in  Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Stolen

The absentminded professor drove up to the door of his garage, looked inside, blinked, and then leaped back into his car and drove at breakneck speed to the police station. “sergeant,” he gasped, “my car’s been stolen!’

— Herbert V prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in  Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Two jobs

The chief constable of a small Yorkshire town was also an expert veterinary surgeon. One night the telephone rang. The chief constable’s wife answered it.
“Is Mr Blank there?” inquired an agitated voice.
“Do you want my husband in his capacity as veterinary surgeon or as chief constable?” asked the woman
“Both, madam,” came the reply. “We can’t get our bulldog to open his mouth – and there’s a burglar in it?”

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Sit down

Mealtime is when the youngsters continue eating but sit down.

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Breakfast Symphony

Life is a symphony of snap, crackle, and pop. When you’re young, it’s cereal. When you’re older it’s your joints.

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Pets

It’s nice for children to have pets, until the pets start having children.

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Middle Age

Middle Age: When you are sitting at home on Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.

—Ring Lardner quoted in ‘Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2’ by Herbert V. Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr.

Tourist

Tourist: Have you lived here all your life?
Old Londoner: Not Yet

—Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in ‘Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2’

Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr in Jokes Quotes & One Liners

A reporter was interviewing a man who was believed to be the oldest resident in town.
‘May I ask how old you are?’ the newsman enquired.
‘I just turned a hundred this week,’ the old man proudly replied.
‘Great! Do you suppose you’ll see another hundred?’ the reporter asked playfully.
‘Well,’ said the man thoughtfully, ‘I’m stronger now than when I started the first one hundred!’

~ Herbert V Prochnow  & Herbert V Prochnow Jr in Jokes Quotes & One Liners