Dear Jesus

As an apology for not posting anything last Monday, I am giving you a second post today. This post is to promote a website I came across, called Christmas Day. They have loads of information about Xmas, decorations and celebrations around the world. Best of all, they have some pretty funny Xmas jokes.

Here is one of them: Continue reading

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Come to Australia

Laughing

I told Santa you were good this year….and he hasn’t stopped laughing since!

Taken from Humor Matters

Santa Knows

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.

Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact. Continue reading

Ho, Ho, Ho

  • If your left leg was thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I come visit you between the holidays?
  • Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
  • Interested in seeing the “North Pole”? (Well, that’s what the Mrs. calls it)
  • The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
  • What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

Taken from : onelinefun.com

The Suspected Wharfie

There was a certain wharfie on the Melbourne waterfront who was suspected of stealing. Each day he left the wharf where he worked, pushing a wheelbarrow filled with straw. So a police detective was detailed to watch him. The detective searched among the straw but found nothing; and yet he was satisfied in his own mind that the wharf labourer was engaged in pilfering of some sort. This went on, day after day, for two weeks.

Late one afternoon the wharf labourer dropped in at the Seamen’s Arms for a beer. The detective who had been detailed to watch him joined him at the bar counter and said, “Look here, I’m being posted to Bendigo, so you can talk freely. I promise not to tell anyone. I’m just curious. What are you stealing?”

“Well,” said the wharfie, “under the circumstances I don’t suppose there’s any harm in telling you. It’s wheelbarrows.”

— Bill Wannan’s Come in Spinner: A Treasury of Popular Australian Humour

Top Ten Australian Films (1950 – 2000)

The Story of the Kelly Gang, the earliest feature film ever made, was released in 1906 and the Australian film industry has been producing outstanding cinema ever since. Though many gems have remained undiscovered by audiences outside of Australia, the country has enjoyed it’s share of international acclaim. Continue reading

Fighting Fire

My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

— Peter Kay

Avoiding Arrest With Magic

Top Ten Monty Python Sketches

One of the most iconic symbols of my childhood is Monty Python, which is ironic given that most of their stuff was released either before I was born or when I was far too young to either understand or remember.However, Dad was a Python fan, so I grew up watching films like Life of Brian and The Search for the Holy Grail and, in fact, some of my favourite sketches are taken from these movies. Having married a man who can quote large passages from various sketches, I have also developed a taste for those aspects of Monty Python that my father either didn’t enjoy or chose not to show me.

For those of you who have been living under a rock, Monty Python were a British comedy group who produced some pretty surreal and out-there movies and sketches. The group, consisting of members Graham Chapman, John Cleese (voted number 2 the top 50 greatest comedians ever), Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle (voted number 21 the top 50 greatest comedians ever), Terry Jones, and Michael Palin (voted number 30 the top 50 greatest comedians ever), produced the sketch comedy show Monty Python’s Flying Circus, followed by live tours, books and several movies. Monty Python’s humour proved to be so unique and popular that it has engendered a cult following that endures to this day. It even spawned a new word — pythonesque, meaning farcically surreal or absurd.

I have already posted my Top Ten Monty Python Songs so today I would like to concentrate on my ten favourite Monty Python sketches. Continue reading

Top Ten Horrible Histories Songs

Horrible Histories is a popular British television series based on the best-selling book series by Terry Dreary. The show was produced for CBBC by Lion Television with Citrus Television and ran from 2009 to 2013 with an additional ‘reincarnation’ in 2015. Here in Australia, reruns are constantly being shown and the show is very popular in my home (and not just with the kids!).

The show is ‘hosted’ by a black rat puppet by the name of Rattus Rattus and stars  Mathew Baynton, Simon Farnaby, Martha Howe-Douglas, Jim Howick, Laurence Rickard and Ben Willbond, alongside a large supporting cast headed by Sarah Hadland, Lawry Lewin and Dominique Moore.

Each episode lasts for half an hour and covers different time periods with interesting titles such as ‘Gorgeous Georgians’ or ‘Vile Victorians’. The show consists of  Live-action sketches—which often parody other UK media or celebrities—and music videos, intercut with animations and quizzes, with Rattus Rattus explaining the facts behind each segment.

Horrible Histories was a critical and ratings success, winning numerous domestic and international awards (including being the first children’s show to win best sketch at the Comedy Awards) and has been named among the greatest British children’s television series of all time — with good reason, in my opinion. The show is entertaining for all ages, including adults, with the added benefit of being educational. Some of the most popular sketches and songs from the show have attracted more than half a million hits each on YouTube.

Frankly, I have learned more from this show than I ever did in History class. Continue reading

Diggers of Two Wars

On a footpath in Tel Aviv one day in October, 1942, an old English colonel and a young American major were discussing the war situation in general when they were approached by four youthful Aussie soldiers who had been imbibing rather too freely.

When they came up to the officers the Aussies divided into pairs, passed them, and went merrily on their way.

The following dialogue then took place between the two officers:

American Major: Who in blazes is that Gard-darn rabble?
English Colonel: They’re Orstralians, Major, Orstralians.
A.M.: And whose side are they on?
E.C.: Ours, Major. They’re our Allies.
A.M.: But, dammit, sir, they didn’t salute us!
E.C.: Admittedly, Major, but after all you must agree, they did have the decency to walk around us. Had they been their fathers of the ‘14-’18 war, the blighters would have walked right over us.

— Mr. Jack Holmes of Firle (SA) in Bill Wannan’s Come in Spinner: A Treasury of Popular Australian Humour

Top Ten Monty Python Songs

One of the most iconic symbols of my childhood is Monty Python, which is ironic given that most of their stuff was released either before I was born or when I was far too young to either understand or remember. Continue reading

Top Ten Voltaire Songs

VoltaireI have quite eclectic taste when it comes to music. There is no one genre that would stand out above the others in my taste. However, I do tend to prefer artists who have their own unique sound – the kind you can immediately identify as soon as you hear them sing. Sandi Thom, Frente and The Indelicates are all in my top ten. One of my favourite artists, though, is Aurelio Voltaire. I love almost all of his music. In fact, I found it incredibly difficult to narrow my list down to just ten songs! If you haven’t heard Voltaire sing before, you are in for a treat. Continue reading

After Ever After

Arrack and Sympathy

During the second world war two Aussie soldiers were in Damascus on leave from a camp nearby. During their perambulations around the city they sampled quite a number of noggins of the local brew, arrack, and eventually they became hopelessly lost.

The locals couldn’t understand English and were unable to direct them. Then a British general replete with ribbons and all, loomed up.

“Hey, mate,” one of the Aussies addressed him, “can you tell us where we are?”

The general drew himself up haughtily. “Do you know who I am?” he said curtly.

“Cripes, Bill,” said one Digger to the other, “here’s a bloke who’s worse off than we are. We don’t know where we are, but this poor blighter doesn’t know who he is!”

— Mr F. J. Vandenburg of Wycliffe Well (N.T.) in Bill Wannan’s Come In Spinner

Commitment

Commitment: verb, female: A desire to get married and raise a family; verb, male: not trying to chat up other women while out with one’s wife or girlfriend.

— Allan & Barbara Pease in Why Men Lie and Women Cry

Where there’s a will…

The Australian platoon was under heavy Japanese frontal attack. The commander yelled out, “Fire at will!”

“Cripes,” growled Chiller, “if you can pick Will outta that mob, you’re a better man than I am !”

— Bill Wannan in Come in Spinner

A sporting offer

Jacky Bindieye was once brought before a magistrate, charged with being drunk and disorderly.
“Fined twenty days with hard labour,” said the magistrate curtly.
“I’ll tell you what I’ll do, boss,” said Jacky. “I’ll toss you — forty days or nuthin’.”

— Bill Wannan’s Come in Spinner

Of course

The first grade was learning the letters of the alphabet.
‘What comes after T?’ the teacher asked.
Nettie quickly answered, ‘V’.

— Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2

Hell vs gaol

Jacky Bindieye was arrested and charged with cattle stealing.

At the trial the judge asked him what would happen if he told a lie.

“Well, boss,” said Jacky, “I think I go to hell.”

“And,” continued the judge, “what happens if you tell the truth?”

“Well, boss,” replied Jacky, “in that case I reckon I’ll go to gaol.”

— Bill Wannan’s Come in Spinner