Men let loose an average of 1.5 – 2.5 litres of gas a day delivering an average of 12 farts a day which is enough to fill a small balloon. Women fart an average of seven times a day and emit 1 – 1.5 litres of gas.
The world’s most famous farter was Joseph Pojul who, in 1892, had a famous act at the Moulin Rouge in Paris under the name ‘Le Petomane’. His act opened by telling a story using a remarkable range of farts for the voices of the characters.He could smoke a cigarette through a tube placed up his bum and also play the National Anthem with a flute connected to the end of the tube. Women were reported to laugh much more than men to the extent that some would pass out and be taken to hospital to recover.
For a relatively small amount of money, an excellent solution is to buy him a hand-held Satellite Navigation System for his birthday/Christmas which is an excellent spatial boy’s toy that will allow him always to be right, never to be lost, and to love you forever.
Nest-defending females did not venture alone past the horizon so they learned to navigate by landmarks – sensing direction was never a necessity and was not part of her job description. If she could see a tree, or a lake or a hill, she could find her way around it and find her way home again. This is also the key to how a man should give a woman directions. If he tells her to go to the road with the giant oak tree, then head to the pink building beside National Bank opposite the lake she is likely to reach her destination. If he tells her to take the third exit at the West turnoff on Highway 23 and drive five kilometres North, she will possibly never be seen again.
Women often expect men to intuitively pick up on what they’re thinking, without actually saying it. They assume that if they yawn and say, “I’m so tired, I think I’ll go to bed now” and wander off, men will brush their teeth, gargle with breath-freshener, put on some deodorant and slip into something more comfortable to join them there for a session of making love. Instead, many men grunt, go back to the fridge for another beer and settle down on the sofa to watch sport on the TV. It’s never occurred to them that the woman in their life is talking in indirect code. The woman, sitting alone in bed, eventually falls to sleep alone, feeling unloved and unwanted.
The Perfect Wife and Mother has not been tortured (at least not in the sense normally understood by the word), blown up, or suffered in any grandiose way. Her daily tasks seem too mundane to justify powerful protests or claims to high public honour. Her suffering is of an invisible kind. It is the anguish of the downtrodden, of the silent, suffering majority.
Opening Sentence:Recently I was invited to convene a breakfast for fathers whose sons attended a Gosford grammar school. Synopsis:Adolescent boys – they seem to disappear into another world where they barely communicate, and where fast cars, alcohol and drugs are … Continue reading →
Synopsis: Just as the last third of the twentieth century was about creating equal opportunity for women as workers, so the first third of the twenty-first century will be about creating equal opportunity for men as parents. Neither goal will … Continue reading →
This setup raised some eyebrows of walkers on the canal! Worth it though I think. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The 13 most innocuous, common words, phrases and sounds, and what they really mean when a woman says them.
Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about, but need to shut you up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those very arguments.
Five minutes: This is, in fact, half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.
Nothing: This actually means “something” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has when she doesn’t expect that you even want to understand. It is not worth even beginning to tell you what is wrong. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end up with the word “Fine”.
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing”, and will end with the word “Fine”.
Go Ahead (with normal eyebrows): This means “I give up” or “You do what you want, because I don’t care”. You will get a raised eyebrows “go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and a “Fine”, and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
Loud Sigh: Not actually a word, but still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.
Soft Sigh: Another verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move, or breathe, or do anything to flag your existence, and she will stay content.
Oh: This word, followed by any given statement, means trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
Oh (upward exclamation, beginning of a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie any more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows “Go Ahead”, and then you are really in the fertilizer.
That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard about whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrows “Go Ahead”. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in big trouble.
Please Do: This is an offer, not a statement. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.
Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say “My Pleasure” or “You’re Welcome”.
Thanks A Lot: This is vastly different from “Thanks”. A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot,” when she is really having a go at you, especially with a heavy emphasis on the word “lot”. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. You can bet on it – it will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”.